Over the past three months I've received countless encouraging e-mails with some sort of scripture attached and God has used each and every one of these to speak to my heart… yes even the ever so ironic “Be still and know…” It never fails that these things arrive at just the right time but then again that is because our God never fails… at anything! I’ve also been sent a number of really very touching greeting cards. There’s something extra special about knowing that someone went to the trouble of picking out a card that they felt might speak to you and then writing a personal little note inside it. In a world of quick electronic correspondence which can be at times, somewhat removed and impersonal, I get so excited when my actual mailbox holds something other than bills! These cards have been every bit as encouraging as anything else I have been sent. One such card came in the mail yesterday and that is what started this whole idea of the Bible vs. Hallmark…
Let me say at the beginning that this is in no way a slam on greeting cards. This is not a diatribe against Hallmark. This is not me being ungrateful for those cards that I’ve already received. This is just a thought… I’m so grateful that as a believer my only source of encouragement isn’t Hallmark because while a greeting card can be touching, the feeling you get from receiving one is temporary. What does an unbelieving world do for real hope?
As believers, we know that while greeting cards are perfectly lovely it is only the Word of God that is perfect! There is not a situation that I will face in my lifetime that is not in some way dealt with in this book. This morning when I woke up my body was not cooperating entirely with me and it just infuriated me. My arms were stiff, my legs were shaky, and I almost went head first into the wall because of something in the floor that I tripped on. Needless to say, I left the house in a dreadful mood to which both my dog and roommate can attest to! I got to work early and opened up my computer. The day before I had looked up a verse on www.biblegateway.com and realized that I had left it open. My flesh didn’t want to look at His word because my flesh wanted to wallow. I felt in that moment that nobody understood what I was going through, that my suffering was unique, and I didn’t want to be reminded that I was wrong! I began to read where I had left off the day before, Hebrews 12. I didn’t expect that passage to speak right to my life; I was just too lazy to look anything else up… Then God showed up and showed off! The first 12 verses deal completely with the discipline of God and how He disciplines those He loves. It talks about endurance and I began to see exactly why I was supposed to read those verses… and then I got to verses 12-13:
12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
God, our Abba Father, handed me a verse all about my morning. Once again, the Father reminded me that He knows all about my suffering. Think about a struggle in your life… the loss of a job, the death of a child, the end of a marriage. In those dark times, was it not a comfort to have someone come along side of you that could relate? How nice is it to not have to explain certain hard things to someone because they already know since they have been there too? The thing is that if anyone understands suffering, it is Jesus. What a comfort this morning to be reminded that I don’t serve some far off, removed God! I serve a maker who understands suffering and whose heart grieves when mine does. I don’t have to hold it all together 100% of the time. I’m not letting Him down when I fall apart because I’m not holding Him up. I can rest in Him! When was the last time you dove head first into His word? The prophet Jeremiah wrote:
16 When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, O LORD God Almighty
Can you honestly say that this holds true in your own life? I can’t. So many times, I look for comfort elsewhere. So often I seek advice from humans rather than our Creator. My mornings are rushed and I don’t take the time to get into the Bible. Make no mistake here. I cannot say that I don’t have time, I simply just don’t make time. I grew up hearing, “It makes no sense to put your armor on at the end of that battle!” That’s not to say that there isn’t any point to reading my Bible at the end of the day but what a difference it makes to start my day off with His word that should be my joy and my heart’s delight! Two verses changed my entire outlook on this day… Have you ever been in the midst of a hardship and the Holy Spirit brings to mind a verse that just wraps your heart up in His love? The thing is this, as a child of God my first instinct when blessings come my way, when good things happen, or just when life isn’t a struggle should be to RUN to Him with gratitude that way when trials hit and life is so complicated, I will have beaten such a clear path to Him that my heart knows the way to His heart! That being said, I believe it is impossible to know the heart of God without knowing the word of God. So my focus in the mornings will not be on shaky legs or stiff arms, my focus will be on His word... because I know it to be true and good and the only source of real and lasting hope!
Friday, September 3, 2010
For Starters...
Let me start off with THANK YOU. The support that you all have shown, the prayers I know that are going up… truly, you’ll never know what they have meant to me… I have dropped anchor in the verse “…and everything He does is worthy of our trust…” Psalms 33:4 and the tangible expression of His love that I have felt from all of you has just reinforced this for me!
Several of our out of town team members have requested something from me to share as they are asking for donations. I know some of you have asked for something perhaps to share with a Sunday school class or a Bible study group… So here you go… This is where I’m at today…
Parkinson's...
Some days, this word holds very little power...
A lot of days actually, I am able to make the conscious decision that this word will not define me. I become more aware with each change brought on by this disease that Parkinson's will in some way shape every aspect of my life but I do not want to allow it to consume me. There are days when the involuntary movements brought on by PD are virtually nonexistent and I am able to move with the ease and comfort expected of a 28 year old. I’m grateful for these good days. There are also days where the full affects of PD can be felt and on those days, I go back to being grateful for the good days. From the beginning I knew that a positive attitude would make an almost immeasurable difference. I will not wallow. I will not give up. There will be no white flags waving anytime soon.
That being said, there are days when this word knocks the wind right out of me…
Processing Parkinson’s and all of the implications that go along with this word has proven to be so much more complex than I anticipated. What did I anticipate? I don’t know. Whatever I had in mind, however I supposed I might sort this out; whatever I had imagined was not even close to the reality. At least once a week I think, why don’t I have a handle on this yet? Come on Dearman! In the same breath that I attempt to convince myself that I should have accepted this; I question how anyone could ‘accept’ such a thing. Prior to going to the neurologist, I refused to hear or speak the word Parkinson’s. I became enraged when someone would make mention of it. It was as if that word had a tangible power. I don’t know that I have ever actually feared a word but I shuddered at that one. Then in walks a neurologist that drops this terrifying word in my lap as casually as if he were discussing what he was planning to have for dinner, which I was no doubt keeping him from. Did he not know the power of this word? Wasn’t he as petrified of this word as me? Of course he wasn’t. Whatever power this word held, it wasn’t going to affect his life. No one was looking at him and haphazardly throwing a diagnosis around. And as quickly as he had charged in the room… he was gone. What next? I found my heart crying out, “but God, I thought…” “Your thoughts are not my thoughts…” “ but God isn’t there a way…” “Your ways are not my ways…” Okay then, I made the conscious decision that I would trust Him in this. I don’t understand this. There are answers that I want desperately to demand but a thrice holy God owes me no explanation. So it has become my job to figure out what I am to do with this. How do I walk with this and still please God? It is my job to process this and begin living as an effective and intentional human. How then do you process what may not be a life-ending disease but certainly a life-changing disease? The first thing I realized was that pushing down whatever emotions were coming my way would surely backfire. I resolved that if I was angry, I would allow myself to be angry but not to stay that way. There are still at least 5 times a week that I just want to put my fist through a wall. These moments are fleeting and I have realized the importance of dealing with these feelings at that moment. As these emotions come, I have to wrestle with and process them because if left unchecked these things would easily morph into bitterness and resentment. The thing is that I enjoy life too much to spend it being bitter and resentful and as a result, lonely and sad. If I’m going to shake it may as well be, at least in part, due to laughter!
So I’ll just deal with THIS day. My focus will be on THIS day, rather than THAT word. I’ll work really hard at being still when I can be still. I’ll do my best not to fall. I’ll work like hell to get up when I do. Will I still struggle? Yes. Do I have it all figured out? Not even close! But... At the end of the day, I know two things:
1.I believe with all my heart that while life isn’t always fair… it’s still good… even when it’s not…
2.God is still God! Parkinson’s doesn’t make Him any less good or merciful or gracious or loving… and that's enough!
Several of our out of town team members have requested something from me to share as they are asking for donations. I know some of you have asked for something perhaps to share with a Sunday school class or a Bible study group… So here you go… This is where I’m at today…
Parkinson's...
Some days, this word holds very little power...
A lot of days actually, I am able to make the conscious decision that this word will not define me. I become more aware with each change brought on by this disease that Parkinson's will in some way shape every aspect of my life but I do not want to allow it to consume me. There are days when the involuntary movements brought on by PD are virtually nonexistent and I am able to move with the ease and comfort expected of a 28 year old. I’m grateful for these good days. There are also days where the full affects of PD can be felt and on those days, I go back to being grateful for the good days. From the beginning I knew that a positive attitude would make an almost immeasurable difference. I will not wallow. I will not give up. There will be no white flags waving anytime soon.
That being said, there are days when this word knocks the wind right out of me…
Processing Parkinson’s and all of the implications that go along with this word has proven to be so much more complex than I anticipated. What did I anticipate? I don’t know. Whatever I had in mind, however I supposed I might sort this out; whatever I had imagined was not even close to the reality. At least once a week I think, why don’t I have a handle on this yet? Come on Dearman! In the same breath that I attempt to convince myself that I should have accepted this; I question how anyone could ‘accept’ such a thing. Prior to going to the neurologist, I refused to hear or speak the word Parkinson’s. I became enraged when someone would make mention of it. It was as if that word had a tangible power. I don’t know that I have ever actually feared a word but I shuddered at that one. Then in walks a neurologist that drops this terrifying word in my lap as casually as if he were discussing what he was planning to have for dinner, which I was no doubt keeping him from. Did he not know the power of this word? Wasn’t he as petrified of this word as me? Of course he wasn’t. Whatever power this word held, it wasn’t going to affect his life. No one was looking at him and haphazardly throwing a diagnosis around. And as quickly as he had charged in the room… he was gone. What next? I found my heart crying out, “but God, I thought…” “Your thoughts are not my thoughts…” “ but God isn’t there a way…” “Your ways are not my ways…” Okay then, I made the conscious decision that I would trust Him in this. I don’t understand this. There are answers that I want desperately to demand but a thrice holy God owes me no explanation. So it has become my job to figure out what I am to do with this. How do I walk with this and still please God? It is my job to process this and begin living as an effective and intentional human. How then do you process what may not be a life-ending disease but certainly a life-changing disease? The first thing I realized was that pushing down whatever emotions were coming my way would surely backfire. I resolved that if I was angry, I would allow myself to be angry but not to stay that way. There are still at least 5 times a week that I just want to put my fist through a wall. These moments are fleeting and I have realized the importance of dealing with these feelings at that moment. As these emotions come, I have to wrestle with and process them because if left unchecked these things would easily morph into bitterness and resentment. The thing is that I enjoy life too much to spend it being bitter and resentful and as a result, lonely and sad. If I’m going to shake it may as well be, at least in part, due to laughter!
So I’ll just deal with THIS day. My focus will be on THIS day, rather than THAT word. I’ll work really hard at being still when I can be still. I’ll do my best not to fall. I’ll work like hell to get up when I do. Will I still struggle? Yes. Do I have it all figured out? Not even close! But... At the end of the day, I know two things:
1.I believe with all my heart that while life isn’t always fair… it’s still good… even when it’s not…
2.God is still God! Parkinson’s doesn’t make Him any less good or merciful or gracious or loving… and that's enough!
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