Let me start off with THANK YOU. The support that you all have shown, the prayers I know that are going up… truly, you’ll never know what they have meant to me… I have dropped anchor in the verse “…and everything He does is worthy of our trust…” Psalms 33:4 and the tangible expression of His love that I have felt from all of you has just reinforced this for me!
Several of our out of town team members have requested something from me to share as they are asking for donations. I know some of you have asked for something perhaps to share with a Sunday school class or a Bible study group… So here you go… This is where I’m at today…
Parkinson's...
Some days, this word holds very little power...
A lot of days actually, I am able to make the conscious decision that this word will not define me. I become more aware with each change brought on by this disease that Parkinson's will in some way shape every aspect of my life but I do not want to allow it to consume me. There are days when the involuntary movements brought on by PD are virtually nonexistent and I am able to move with the ease and comfort expected of a 28 year old. I’m grateful for these good days. There are also days where the full affects of PD can be felt and on those days, I go back to being grateful for the good days. From the beginning I knew that a positive attitude would make an almost immeasurable difference. I will not wallow. I will not give up. There will be no white flags waving anytime soon.
That being said, there are days when this word knocks the wind right out of me…
Processing Parkinson’s and all of the implications that go along with this word has proven to be so much more complex than I anticipated. What did I anticipate? I don’t know. Whatever I had in mind, however I supposed I might sort this out; whatever I had imagined was not even close to the reality. At least once a week I think, why don’t I have a handle on this yet? Come on Dearman! In the same breath that I attempt to convince myself that I should have accepted this; I question how anyone could ‘accept’ such a thing. Prior to going to the neurologist, I refused to hear or speak the word Parkinson’s. I became enraged when someone would make mention of it. It was as if that word had a tangible power. I don’t know that I have ever actually feared a word but I shuddered at that one. Then in walks a neurologist that drops this terrifying word in my lap as casually as if he were discussing what he was planning to have for dinner, which I was no doubt keeping him from. Did he not know the power of this word? Wasn’t he as petrified of this word as me? Of course he wasn’t. Whatever power this word held, it wasn’t going to affect his life. No one was looking at him and haphazardly throwing a diagnosis around. And as quickly as he had charged in the room… he was gone. What next? I found my heart crying out, “but God, I thought…” “Your thoughts are not my thoughts…” “ but God isn’t there a way…” “Your ways are not my ways…” Okay then, I made the conscious decision that I would trust Him in this. I don’t understand this. There are answers that I want desperately to demand but a thrice holy God owes me no explanation. So it has become my job to figure out what I am to do with this. How do I walk with this and still please God? It is my job to process this and begin living as an effective and intentional human. How then do you process what may not be a life-ending disease but certainly a life-changing disease? The first thing I realized was that pushing down whatever emotions were coming my way would surely backfire. I resolved that if I was angry, I would allow myself to be angry but not to stay that way. There are still at least 5 times a week that I just want to put my fist through a wall. These moments are fleeting and I have realized the importance of dealing with these feelings at that moment. As these emotions come, I have to wrestle with and process them because if left unchecked these things would easily morph into bitterness and resentment. The thing is that I enjoy life too much to spend it being bitter and resentful and as a result, lonely and sad. If I’m going to shake it may as well be, at least in part, due to laughter!
So I’ll just deal with THIS day. My focus will be on THIS day, rather than THAT word. I’ll work really hard at being still when I can be still. I’ll do my best not to fall. I’ll work like hell to get up when I do. Will I still struggle? Yes. Do I have it all figured out? Not even close! But... At the end of the day, I know two things:
1.I believe with all my heart that while life isn’t always fair… it’s still good… even when it’s not…
2.God is still God! Parkinson’s doesn’t make Him any less good or merciful or gracious or loving… and that's enough!
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